[Joshua]

Budro dies and goes to Hell. He's sitting down there mildly content. Satan walks by, sees him and says, "What's with you?" He says, "This feels like a June day in Louisiana." Satan gets mad and goes over to the thermostate and turns it up. Later he comes by and Budro is smiling to himself. Satan goes, "What are you smiling about?" Budro says, "This feels like a July day down on the biyjou." Satan gets more angree and turns the thermostate up even higher. About a half hour later Satan walks by and Budro is kinda snickering now. He says, "It's hotter than Hell down here. What are you snickering about?" He says, "This feels like an August day down south." Satan goes over to the thermostate and reefs on it and breaks it. Things start getting cold, it starts icing up, eventually it starts snowing. Satan comes by and Budro is rolling with laughter on the ground, he's high fiving the demons, and generally causing a scene. Satan goes, "What's your problem. Before it was hotter than hell and now it's freezing. Why are you so excited?" He says, "Well obviously the Saints just won the Superbowl!"

 

Add your humorous story here!

[Sarah2013]

[Sarah2013]

I remember the first time I heard this joke, I almost fell of my seat laughing. Nice one, KC.

[Sarah2013]

I remember the first time I heard this joke, I almost fell of my seat laughing. Nice one, KC.

[Sarah2013]

I meant to say, nice one Kim and not KC.

[Sarah2013]

I meant to say, nice one Kim and not KC.

[Sarah2013]

Lol! Funny. God couldn’t recognize her anymore.

[Sarah2013]

Lol! Funny. God couldn’t recognize her anymore.

[Sarah2013]

Lol! Too funny, Simon. Nice one.

[Sarah2013]

Lol! Too funny, Simon. Nice one.

[Joshua]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know," he said, "I'm 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down. He was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

"I know we are supposed to enforce the law…but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!" 

[Joshua]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know," he said, "I'm 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down. He was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

"I know we are supposed to enforce the law…but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!" 

[Joshua]

 My mother in law sent me a bunch of these so I'm sharing them with you. If you resemble some of these I want to disclose that the jokes were not written because of you. Enjoy.

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember  ..

        Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

       

        'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

       

        'Sure.'

       

        'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

       

        'No, I can remember it.'

       

        'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

       

        He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

       

        'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

       

        Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!'

       

        Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

       

        'Where's my toast?'

 

       

        An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 

        The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

        The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

        The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

        'Do you mean a rose?'

        'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

       

 

       

        Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he  didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 

        After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

        On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

        'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

       

        

       

        A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

        'So I hear you're getting married?'

        'Yep!'

        'Do I know her?'

        'Nope!'

        'This woman, is she good looking?'

        'Not really.'

        'Is she a good cook?'

        'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

        'Does she have lots of money?'

        'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

        'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

        'I don't know.'

        'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

        'Because she can still drive!'

       

       

        A manwas telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 

        'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

        'Twelve thirty.'

       

       

        Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

        A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

        A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

        Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

        The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

       

       

       

        

       

        A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 

        The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

        'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

[Joshua]

 My mother in law sent me a bunch of these so I'm sharing them with you. If you resemble some of these I want to disclose that the jokes were not written because of you. Enjoy.

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember  ..

        Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

       

        'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

       

        'Sure.'

       

        'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

       

        'No, I can remember it.'

       

        'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

       

        He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

       

        'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

       

        Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!'

       

        Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

       

        'Where's my toast?'

 

       

        An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 

        The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

        The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

        The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

        'Do you mean a rose?'

        'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

       

 

       

        Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he  didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 

        After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

        On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

        'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

       

        

       

        A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

        'So I hear you're getting married?'

        'Yep!'

        'Do I know her?'

        'Nope!'

        'This woman, is she good looking?'

        'Not really.'

        'Is she a good cook?'

        'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

        'Does she have lots of money?'

        'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

        'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

        'I don't know.'

        'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

        'Because she can still drive!'

       

       

        A manwas telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 

        'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

        'Twelve thirty.'

       

       

        Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

        A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

        A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

        Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

        The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

       

       

       

        

       

        A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 

        The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

        'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

[Joshua]

Be prepared!

 

 

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions should take:

– Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag

– Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

– 24 hours supply of food and drink

– De-icer

– 5 kgs of rock salt

– Torch or lantern with spare batteries

– Road flares and reflective triangles

– Tow rope

– 5 gallon petrol can

– First aid kit

– Jump leads

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning. 

[Joshua]

Be prepared!

 

 

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions should take:

– Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag

– Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

– 24 hours supply of food and drink

– De-icer

– 5 kgs of rock salt

– Torch or lantern with spare batteries

– Road flares and reflective triangles

– Tow rope

– 5 gallon petrol can

– First aid kit

– Jump leads

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning. 

[Joshua]

I know you guys have more funnies out there. Please share.

[Joshua]

I know you guys have more funnies out there. Please share.

[Joshua]

Why Teachers Go Gray

  These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?

A: It lays eggs.

 

[Joshua]

Why Teachers Go Gray

  These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?

A: It lays eggs.

 

[Simon]

Larry received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. Larry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He tried everything he could think of, but the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Larry put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Worried that he may have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Larry's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Larry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, clearing his throat, "May I ask what the chicken did?"  

[Simon]

Larry received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. Larry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He tried everything he could think of, but the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Larry put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Worried that he may have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Larry's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Larry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, clearing his throat, "May I ask what the chicken did?"