[Joshua]

Budro dies and goes to Hell. He's sitting down there mildly content. Satan walks by, sees him and says, "What's with you?" He says, "This feels like a June day in Louisiana." Satan gets mad and goes over to the thermostate and turns it up. Later he comes by and Budro is smiling to himself. Satan goes, "What are you smiling about?" Budro says, "This feels like a July day down on the biyjou." Satan gets more angree and turns the thermostate up even higher. About a half hour later Satan walks by and Budro is kinda snickering now. He says, "It's hotter than Hell down here. What are you snickering about?" He says, "This feels like an August day down south." Satan goes over to the thermostate and reefs on it and breaks it. Things start getting cold, it starts icing up, eventually it starts snowing. Satan comes by and Budro is rolling with laughter on the ground, he's high fiving the demons, and generally causing a scene. Satan goes, "What's your problem. Before it was hotter than hell and now it's freezing. Why are you so excited?" He says, "Well obviously the Saints just won the Superbowl!"

 

Add your humorous story here!

[Simon]

[Simon]

o.o

[Joshua]

There was a man hiking through the woods. At one point he became very thirsty and a bit hungry. As fate would have it he came accross a small cottage. Being in need he knocked on the door and asked if they had anything to drink or eat. The lady of the house invited him in, gave him a seat by the fire, and served him a nice boul of soup. While this was going on the guy noticed that these folks had a pig as a pet. The pig was very interested in him and very affectionate. After finishing the boul of soup the guy commented, "I've never seen a pig that is this affectionate!" "Oh, he's not affectionate! That's his boul you're eating out of!"

[Joshua]

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Joshua]

Some day I would love to learn how to do one thing simultaneously. This would be the first time that ever happened again!

[Joshua]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

Apparently I'm still lost….it's a man thing.

 

 

[Joshua]

I'm really old!

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

 

 

[Joshua]

I'm not a procrastinator. I just wait until the last minute because I will be older, and therefore wiser. It's strategic.

[genny]

Thanks for the giggles, Joshua! 🙂

[emil]

Nice one Joshua 🙂

[Joshua]

Did you guys hear about the newlywed couple that didn't know the difference between window calking and KY jelly?

All of their windows fell out!

 

 

 

What were you thinking?

[Joshua]

Just a thought; What if the Ice Water Challenge is just a big ploy by the WMSCOG to get unbelievers baptised? JK

[Simon]

They would've invened their own pretend ALS charity first though

[Joshua]

AT THE PEARLY GATES

One day Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates when St. Peter asked if Jesus could wtch the gates for a little while. Jesus agreed and Peter took off. A few minutes later a old man hobled up to the gates. He has long grey hair and a long grey beard. Jesus asks, "So, what did you do with your life?" The old man answered, "Well, for the last sixty years I was a carpenter." Jesus said, "Oh, thats interesting! So, what do you expect to find here in Heaven?" The old man replied, "I'm hoping to find my son." Jesus states, "You do know that there are millions upon millions of people up here in Heaven. How will you recognize him?" The old man says, "I should be abe to recognize him from the nail holes in his hands and feet." Somewhat startled Jesus looks at the man and says, "Father?" The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinnoccio?"

[Sarah2013]

Lol!

[Sarah2013]

Lol@ the manager permission one also.

[Joshua]

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims.  "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies.  "I work for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence!" he tells her.  "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints.  When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.

He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!" 

[Joshua]

SICK DAYS

It was the toughest experience of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pnumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago, and neuritis.

Realizing that I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at a new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had!

[Joshua]

A tourist browsing a curio shop in San Francisco saw a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.

He asked the shop owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

The reply: "Twenty dollars for the rat, two hundred dollars for the story."

The tourist gave the man twenty dollars and said, "I'll take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed a few real rats crawling out of the alleys and sewers and following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they started squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay. Glancing backward, he saw that the rats now numbered in the thousands, and were squealing and snarling and coming toward him faster and faster!

Terrified, he sprinted to the edge of the Bay and hurled the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of rats rushed past him and jumped into the Bay after it, and all were drowned!

The man ran back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the shop owner, "You have come back for the story!"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"

 

 

[Joshua]

Just a thought of the day, "Old age is coming at a really bad time!"

[Joshua]

This reminds me of when I read some of the WMS's sermons, "Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?"