[Joshua]

Budro dies and goes to Hell. He's sitting down there mildly content. Satan walks by, sees him and says, "What's with you?" He says, "This feels like a June day in Louisiana." Satan gets mad and goes over to the thermostate and turns it up. Later he comes by and Budro is smiling to himself. Satan goes, "What are you smiling about?" Budro says, "This feels like a July day down on the biyjou." Satan gets more angree and turns the thermostate up even higher. About a half hour later Satan walks by and Budro is kinda snickering now. He says, "It's hotter than Hell down here. What are you snickering about?" He says, "This feels like an August day down south." Satan goes over to the thermostate and reefs on it and breaks it. Things start getting cold, it starts icing up, eventually it starts snowing. Satan comes by and Budro is rolling with laughter on the ground, he's high fiving the demons, and generally causing a scene. Satan goes, "What's your problem. Before it was hotter than hell and now it's freezing. Why are you so excited?" He says, "Well obviously the Saints just won the Superbowl!"

 

Add your humorous story here!

[Joshua]

[Joshua]

The Definition of Golf

 

 

*GOLF, n.*

GOLF, n.

a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

a game of opposites – the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.

a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.

a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

a game a lot like taxation – you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.

 

GOLF CART, n.

A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

 

GOLFER, n.

a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;

a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman – he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

[Joshua]

The Definition of Golf

 

 

*GOLF, n.*

GOLF, n.

a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

a game of opposites – the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.

a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.

a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

a game a lot like taxation – you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.

 

GOLF CART, n.

A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

 

GOLFER, n.

a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;

a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman – he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

[Joshua]

today'sFUNNY===========================

In my next life, I wanna be a female bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

And I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup…I wanna be a bear.

 

[Joshua]

today'sFUNNY===========================

In my next life, I wanna be a female bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

And I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup…I wanna be a bear.

 

[Joshua]

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL MOTHERS OR WIVES

By Grant MacDonald

10. Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

9. Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

8. Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

7. Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

6. David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

5. Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

4. Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

3. Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

2. Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

1. Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?" How do you feel now "Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public"?! (Mat 27:19) 

 

[Joshua]

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL MOTHERS OR WIVES

By Grant MacDonald

10. Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

9. Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

8. Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

7. Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

6. David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

5. Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

4. Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

3. Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

2. Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

1. Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?" How do you feel now "Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public"?! (Mat 27:19) 

 

[emil]

If Jesus preached today, He would be wanted by:

• The FDA for turning water into wine without a license.

• The EPA for killing fig trees.

• The AMA for practicing medicine without a license.

• The Department of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead, and for feeding the 5,000 people in the wilderness. 

• The NEA for teaching without a certificate.

• OSHA for walking on water without a life jacket and for flying without an airplane. 

• The SPCA for driving hogs into the sea.

• The National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.

• The Interfaith Movement for condemning all other religions.

• And by the Zoning Board for building mansions without a permit.

[emil]

If Jesus preached today, He would be wanted by:

• The FDA for turning water into wine without a license.

• The EPA for killing fig trees.

• The AMA for practicing medicine without a license.

• The Department of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead, and for feeding the 5,000 people in the wilderness. 

• The NEA for teaching without a certificate.

• OSHA for walking on water without a life jacket and for flying without an airplane. 

• The SPCA for driving hogs into the sea.

• The National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.

• The Interfaith Movement for condemning all other religions.

• And by the Zoning Board for building mansions without a permit.

[Sarah2013]

emil wrote:

If Jesus preached today, He would be wanted by:

• The FDA for turning water into wine without a license.

• The EPA for killing fig trees.

• The AMA for practicing medicine without a license.

• The Department of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead, and for feeding the 5,000 people in the wilderness. 

• The NEA for teaching without a certificate.

• OSHA for walking on water without a life jacket and for flying without an airplane. 

• The SPCA for driving hogs into the sea.

• The National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.

• The Interfaith Movement for condemning all other religions.

• And by the Zoning Board for building mansions without a permit.

It take someone with a good sense of humor to find this funny with respect to God in order. The good thing though is that Jesus can't be controlled by these people. Nice one, Emil. 

[Sarah2013]

emil wrote:

If Jesus preached today, He would be wanted by:

• The FDA for turning water into wine without a license.

• The EPA for killing fig trees.

• The AMA for practicing medicine without a license.

• The Department of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead, and for feeding the 5,000 people in the wilderness. 

• The NEA for teaching without a certificate.

• OSHA for walking on water without a life jacket and for flying without an airplane. 

• The SPCA for driving hogs into the sea.

• The National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.

• The Interfaith Movement for condemning all other religions.

• And by the Zoning Board for building mansions without a permit.

It take someone with a good sense of humor to find this funny with respect to God in order. The good thing though is that Jesus can't be controlled by these people. Nice one, Emil. 

[Simon]

Stolen from facebook and removing the racy onesfor appropriateness for this forum :

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 

WITNESS: July 18th. 

ATTORNEY: What year? 

WITNESS: Every year. 

_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 

WITNESS: Forty-five years. 

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Simon]

Stolen from facebook and removing the racy onesfor appropriateness for this forum :

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 

WITNESS: July 18th. 

ATTORNEY: What year? 

WITNESS: Every year. 

_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 

WITNESS: Forty-five years. 

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[emil]

lol

[emil]

lol

[Sarah2013]

LMHO!!!! Very Hilarious. Simon, good one. But this couldn't have taken place, did it? I mean, these people couldn't have really conversed this way in court. No way… 

[Sarah2013]

LMHO!!!! Very Hilarious. Simon, good one. But this couldn't have taken place, did it? I mean, these people couldn't have really conversed this way in court. No way… 

[Joshua]

Sarahrella

 

 

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother.  "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. 

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. 

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[Joshua]

Sarahrella

 

 

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother.  "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. 

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. 

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[Storm]

Construction

There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."

Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."

Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired."

So they all go off to go get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy. Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy. Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy??"

All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

 

Captain

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Korean. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"

The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo… Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!""

And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese… it doesn't matter, they're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence.

Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."

The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."

[Storm]

Construction

There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."

Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."

Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired."

So they all go off to go get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy. Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy. Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy??"

All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

 

Captain

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Korean. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"

The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo… Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!""

And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese… it doesn't matter, they're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence.

Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."

The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."