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Home Forums Off Topic Let's put some humor in here!

This topic contains 332 replies, has 26 voices, and was last updated by  Joshua 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 181 through 195 (of 333 total)
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  • #50884

    Storm
    Member

    Construction

    There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."

    Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."

    Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

    Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired."

    So they all go off to go get their work done.

    At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy. Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy. Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy??"

    All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

     

    Captain

    An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Korean. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."

    The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"

    The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

    The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo… Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!""

    And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese… it doesn't matter, they're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence.

    Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

    F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."

    The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

    The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."

    #50885

    Joshua
    Participant

    I know that my post here is going to date me a bit but for those of you who have or had an answering machine you're bound to like these. For my next several post I'm going to give you some messages that were used on answering machines. Enjoy.

    Ring…

    This is Officer John. You have the right to remain silent. If you speak, the message you leave will be used to call you back. If you do not have a message, the court will appoint you one.

    Beep…

     

    Ring…

    Hi, this is John. I'm not answering the phone right now because I'm expecting a irate call. I got a bill from a creditor the other day. The guy was really mad! He wrote: "Get with it Buddy, this bill is exactly one year old!" So I sent it back with a note: "Happy Birthday!"

    Beep…

     

    Ring…

    (Rod Serling Imitation) "You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a sign post up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device… you have reached 'The Twilight Phone'."

    Beep…

     

    More to come later folks. Enjoy the humor and humanity. You're welcome.

    #50886

    Joshua
    Participant

    More answering machine messages:

    Ring…

    Hello. This is John. Leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you – for those who don't have lips: 'eave a 'essage an' I 'all 'ou 'ack, 'ank 'ou!

    Beep…

     

    Ring…

    Hi. I won't be in for a while. I had to take my wife to the doctor. She kissed our canary – now she has chirpees!

    Beep…

     

    Ring…

    Hi. I went to visit my cousin. What a turkey! He's been bragging about how he's a hotshot model – doing some photo sessions. So I asked to see some of his work – he showed me a "wanted poster!"

    Beep…

    #50887

    Joshua
    Participant

    Yup, I got some more for Ya!

    Ring…

    Hello. It's Jane. We're out. You know,I think my husband has been watching too much football, lately. Last night I told him I saw the New York Philharmonic play Beethoven. He asked me, "Who won?"

    Beep…

     

    #50888

    Sarah2013
    Member

    I like sleeping because it’s like being dead, without the commitment.

    #50889

    emil
    Member

    lol

    #50890

    Joshua
    Participant

    You've gotta read this!

    Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? In what other language do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private mess? In what other language do people ship by truck and send cargo by ship? In what other language can your nose run and your feet smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same and a bad licking and a good licking be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can sharp speech and blunt speech be the same and quite a lot and quite a few the same, while overlook and oversee are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next? How can the expressions "What's going on?" and "What's coming off?" mean exactly the same thing?!?

    If button and unbutton and tie and untie are opposites, why are loosen and unloosen and ravel and unravel he same? If bad is the opposite of good, hard the opposite of soft, and up the opposite of down, why are badly and goodly, hardly and softy, and upright and downright not opposing pairs? If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful nonactions, why are shameful and shameless behavior the same and pricey objects less expensive than priceless ones.

    If appropriate and inappropriate remarks and passable and impassable mountain trails are opposites, why are flammable and inflammable materials, heritable and inheritable property, and passive and impassive people the same and valuable objects less treasured than invaluable ones? If uplift is the same as lift up, why are upset and set up opposite in meaning? Why are pertinent and impertinent, canny and uncanny, and famous and infamous neither opposites nor the same? How can raise and raze and reckless and wreckless be opposites when each pair contains the same sound?

    Why is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible; that when I clip a coupon from a newspaper I separate it, but when I clip a coupon to a newspaper, I fasten it; and that when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

    English is a crazy language.

    How can expressions like "I'm mad about my flat," "No football coaches allowed," "I'll come by in the morning and knock you up," and "Keep your pecker up" convey such different messages in two countries that purport to speak the same English?

    How can it be easier to assent than to dissent but harder to ascend than to descend? Why it is that a man with hair on his head has more hair than a man with hairs on his head; that if you decide to be bad forever, you choose to be bad for good; and that if you choose to wear only your left shoe, then your left one is right and your right one is left? Right?

    Reprinted by permission.

    today'sTHOT============================

    If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

     

     

    #50891

    emil
    Member

    A pregnant woman from Washington, DC gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. After almost six months, she wakes up to find she is no more pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about the baby.

    The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from maryland came in and named them."

    The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother… he's an idiot!"

    She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

    "Denise."

    "Wow, that's not a bad name. I like it. What's the boy's name?"

    "Denephew."

    #50892

    Simon
    Member

    Bible trivia

    Something you may not have realized

    The man boaz he was ruthless until he met his wife

    #50893

    emil
    Member

    good one Simon

    #50894

    Joshua
    Participant

    A couple more answering machine funnies:

    Yesterday, I went to my first Soccor game. You know, I figured out how those foreigners invented it. They stole ideas from a bunch of American sports and made it into one game! Check it out: Soccor is 22 guys wearing tennis outfits and track shoes, kicking a volleyball on a football field into an ice hockey goal, but instead of baseball bats, they use their heads!

     

    I went to my first baseball game yesterday. Stupid game – doesn't make any sense! For example; How come nobody ever steals first base? Why can't those high paid athletes afford longer pants? The odds are terrible – one poor guy at bat against nine! And finally, why does the catcher keep giving the pitcher the finger?

     

    Hello. You've reached Dial-A-Prayer. Please leave your name and number and pray I call you back.

    #50895

    Joshua
    Participant

    In honor of Fathers Day:

    today'sFUNNY===========================

    TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

    10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

    9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

    8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

    7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

    6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

    5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

    4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

    3. Give him Grandma's lime green 1978 Ford Pinto with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

    2. Send the ladies shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

    1. Shot put catching.

    today'sTHOT============================

    You're the best father I can imagine, unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better.

    =======================================

     

    #50896

    emil
    Member

    The Chinese have been trying to push the tourism sector to greater heights. The government has asked all hotels, tourist guides and restaurants to provide all best possible services and proper guidance to tourists and learn English. The hotels have adopted an aggressive approach to attracting and guiding tourists; 

    Examples:

    Welcome letter: Getting There:Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The hotel bus runs along the lake and you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know the hotel is near, because you will go round the bend. As you come into the hotel, our beautiful manager will offer welcome drinks and then have intercourse with all new guests.

    The Hotel: This is a family hotel, so adultery and children are welcome. Nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.. Guests are invited to mate in the bar and expose themselves to others. It is good to have intercourse with others and become fast friends. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar. With our help they can be delivered in the baby center. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.

    Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. All your needs are from room service. Please feel free to ring for the chambermaid and take advantage of her.

    Hospitality: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will struggle to forget it.

    #50897

    emil
    Member

    I was just reading something about Abraham and how he became the father of Isaac at such an advanced age. Not sure whether this is funny for the rest of you but this fun thought struck me.

    Having a 28 year age difference between me and my eldest child, the generation gap was bad enough. I wonder what it must have been like for those two patriarchs. 🙂

    #50898

    Sarah2013
    Member

    You saw a shirt for $97. You didn’t have the cash, so you borrowed $50 from your mom and $50 from your dad = $100. You bought the shirt and had $3 change. You gave your dad $1 and your mom $1 and kept the other $1 for yourself. Now you owe your mom $49 and your dad $49. Now $49+$49= $98+ your $1=$99. Where is the missing $1?

     

    If you think you are good in math, solve this. I dare you. 

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